Carolyn Hax, syndicated newspaper columnist, had a reader question. It was below the one from the woman who is rage-Facebooking her husband. This was from a parent asking how parents deal with their children wanting to skip team steam games to attend other events like parties. The children are in elementary school.
Before I weigh in, here’s Hax’sHax’s response:
DEAR ANONYMOUS: It is a team member’s job not to let down the group.
It’s not insane to be a sports parent.
These overlap well when younger children can skip a game, but only in rare cases and with only skippable games. The youth game does not Matter technically. Some matters to the team and its ability to compete at a higher level. These are not for partying.
In middle school, the window for missing games is closed. High school closes it. So plan and unplan accordingly.
First, you must realize that the parent is the one who makes the final decision. The child is not the one who makes the final decision. The coach is not to blame, even if they insist that a child must miss practice because he missed a game. Unfortunately, this was me when I coached my son’s fourth-grade Catholic-school boys basketball league team. It was my first coaching gig in a competitive league. Most parents loved this idea (if my son shows up, he’ll get more time). It’s not the best idea. Who did I think I was? You can skip a practice or game if a conflict is so essential for your family or child, even if it is high school. Your child joined a team and not the Army.
This event will likely be more formal than a birthday party.
My general rule is that your child must be 6 or younger to participate in low-stakes, non-score leagues. This isn’t the NBA. It’s your choice because it’s your money, even in travel leagues. My then-15-year-old son played AAU basketball. As long as the coach was notified, missing practices and games was not an issue. The team already cashed my check, so it doesn’t matter. Parents of elementary-aged children, this is what you should do:
BEFORE THE SESSION STARTS: This is especially important if your child participates in their first sport. It would help if you conveyed what you desire from a team. It doesn’t mean you must ensure your child comprehends the picture altogether. However, it is essential to mention this, so your child understands clearly. If necessary, you can refer to this statement again later.
Also, you should verify if there are rules about what happens to a child who misses practice or a game. Ask the coach. This may not be as important in sports as in other activities. My kids were part of a theater group where it was clear that if you missed more than four rehearsals, you would not be considered for the lead role. It is essential to understand as much information as possible about your role, including your schedule and that of your child.
WHEN IT APPEARS – THERE’S A CONFLICT. As I said earlier, you are the parent. If you feel that an event or party is worth your child missing practice or a game because of it, that’s your decision. You have the right to tell your child “No.” You can’t miss a game to attend a friend’s party. You can’t skip a game if you don’t feel like it. We debated this at the commencement of the season.
Here’s the deal: If your child is passionate about a sport or an activity, there won’t likely be many arguments about missing practices or games. If your child seeks excuses to quit, you might want to reconsider whether this sport or activity is worth continuing. There are likely other signs that they don’t like it. This is perfectly okay! )
WHEN IT’S TIME FOR THE GAME TO GO OFF: A coach who isn’t a jerk (unlike me in the fourth-grade league) will not be upset about your decision to skip the game or practice — unless you give notice. The more notice you give, the better. If you know there will be a conflict between your child and the coach, please contact them in writing. Email is more efficient than texting because it keeps longer. While you don’t have to explain, it is polite to do so. It’s always a good idea to apologize to your child for any inconvenience. It’s not that the coach is afraid of you or what might happen.
As the date approaches, you can send another reminder (text is okay because you’re getting closer to the date). Refer to your previous message. To be polite, send a “sorry for any inconvenience” message.
It is essential not to make sports boring for your children. It is important to teach children that they must stick to their commitments. Sometimes, things happen that are more important for your child than a sport. Everything should go smoothly if you are straightforward and polite with your child, coach and teammates. If they don’t, it might be worth reconsidering whether you would like your child to continue playing in this league or coach.
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